Jaded's Recap: Six to the five on A to the I
Wednesday brought us the third show and, more importantly, the third Recap of the week. Knowing I'd be putting in some extra time today, I slept until about three in the afternoon just to make sure I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for the Recap. I'm just not as funny when I'm not bushy-tailed. And I'd hate to cheat you, dear readers!
Since it's Wednesday, somebody will be going home tonight. I mean for good. It won't be me, so I'm free and easy for another week. But some young hopeful is about to have their dreams dashed on the rocks like so much seaweed. Comedy and metaphors. Two things I'm awesome at! Awesome like a raging inferno!
"And there were six. Six living through six times the drama of a normal introduction. These six will quake with fear at the commanding sound of my voice!" The kids stand politely in line like they're waiting for stamps at the post office. Stamps that could only be as patriotic as Ruben's jersey if they featured Mt. Rushmore floating over Washington, DC. Kimberley's hair is still streaked and still the object of my admiration. The rest of the kids are wearing stuff too, but I don't have anything clever to say about it.
Ryan comes out to start the show after having run through a pile of starch. At least that's the most logical explanation for his shirt collar. You could cut soft cheese with that thing. "Hi! Anybody for some merguez sausage and brie? No? How about some toast points?"
In a few hours, it will be time to make the donuts, but right now it's time to meet the judges. Simon is wearing a shirt just like the one he wore last night. I really hope it's a new one. I wear the same shirt for a week at a pop, but I'm not on TV, man. Maybe Simon slept over at somebody else's house last night. Paula is wearing a cute little dress that's cute and little. And Randy is wearing Randy-type stuff. Why all the comments about clothes so far? I told you, I'm tapped! I'm going for easy targets here.
But this show is really about the kids, so let's focus on them shall we? More specifically, let's focus on a new group performance! It seems that the ever-prolific Diane Warren wrote a song just for tonight. I wrote a ditty too, but they're not using it. It goes, "We're idols! Oh, we're idols! Idols, idols, idols, idols, idols, idols, idols we are! Idols!" Then there's a ripping eight minute guitar solo by Eddie van Halen.
You know, I'm having a hard time grasping this group performance because of my limited depth perception. "Oh my word! Carmen is fourteen feet tall! She towers over Kimberley. Wait! Now Kimberley is growing! What's going on here?" By the end of the song, the cameraman has also grown to massive proportions and is forced to shoot the kids from well overhead. Was the studio blasted with gamma radiation this afternoon?
We come back from a break and Ryan shows us some footage the show just got. It's Kelly getting a bushel of flowers in congrats for having the #1 album. I was once sent a head of iceberg lettuce after landing my 500th reader, so I know the good feeling.
The time for frivolity has ended, and the time for.uh, unfrivolity is beginning. Carmen, last night you got very, very bad news. Like, you don't belong on the show news. So you're in the bottom three. Last night Ruben was once again admired. And tonight he is once again safe. Clay got good news last night. Mostly. Anyway, Clay is safe tonight. Trenyce, your news wasn't bad last night. Tonight it is. You're in the bottom three. Which leaves Kimberley and Josh hanging.
We're back. And so is the drama! Kimberley, you got great news last night. Josh, eh. Could've been better. A lot better. And so could tonight. Josh is in the bottom three. In the audience, they show a group listed as "Josh's family" cheering wildly at the news. Either that family is from Bizarro World, where up is down, or it was actually Kimberley's family.
Judges? Well, without going into specifics, let's just say they didn't cheer up Carmen too much. Simon says it really doesn't matter because they're all meat eventually. Well, that's mildly comforting. As always, Ryan is benevolent enough to send somebody back to safety. And it's.Trenyce! Her Mary Tyler Moore hat and Annie Hall tie have saved the day.
So that cuts it down to Carmen and Josh. Hopefully the giant pendant Josh is wearing around his neck will give him the edge he needs to stay in the show. And if not, let's hope it doesn't make him fall over. He looks like Flava Flav right now.
And we're back! But who else will say that tonight? Not Carmen. She's heading back to the Beehive State to ski and gather honey and be generally all-around cute. Which isn't a bad way to make a living.
All Season 2 Recaps
- Start It Up!
- Part Deux!
- One Last Batch.
- Cut 'Em Up!
- Eight is Enough! (and other assorted puns)
- Two to Tango (and also to move on to the finals)
- Here We Go Again
- Oh, Who Will It Be?!
- Eight more will come before us.
- Get ready to see two happy people. And six unhappy ones.
- Last Batch
- Two by two they march to the finals
- Wild! (I think I used this title last season too)
- I Need Results, Not Excuses!
- The Clean Dozen (See, it's a play on The Dirty Dozen. Ah, forget it.)
- The First One Bites The Dust!
- Eleven Man Band
- "One More Shall Fall"
- "10, 9, 8.ah, you know how the rest goes."
- Ten Will Become Nine (which you already knew)
- You kids be good!
- Not the final countdown! (Not yet, anyway)
- The Hits!
- Eight minus one is seven (P.S. I am smart)
- (Insert clever headline here)
- One will go. Six will remain. A Recap will be written. You will laugh at least once.
- A special Recap for a special episode
- Six of one, half dozen of another.
- Six to the five on A to the I
- And then there were five (a title that can be used with any number)
- Five minus one equals four. (And other simple math)
- The final four is a trademarked term, so I won't use it as a cliched title.
- Want to see a magic trick? Tonight somebody will disappear!
- Soon, There Will Be Two. Very Soon, In Fact.
- Let's learn about Ruben and Clay!
- Clay v. Ruben
- I bet it'll be Ruben! Or Clay!
- Audition Recap