Jaded's Recap: Night Three! (Snappy titles are overrated, anyway)
by Jaded 1/21/2004
Two nights are in the books and about 60 million people have watched Idol so far. If I had to estimate, I'd say about 12,000 people have read the recaps this week, which means I pull in a staggering .0002% of the total audience. Now that's drawing power, baby! So to the very, very, very select club of recap readers, I say, let's move on to the third installment! Wheee!
So far we've seen New York and Atlanta, now we're moving on to Houston, the home of Super Bowl XXXVIII! That's 38 for all you non-Romans out there. One thing I've noticed about Texas is that it's kinda like New York City in that many of the people who live there consider living there to be a tremendous accomplishment. But can they sing? That's all we really care about at this point.
The first guy we see in Houston yells that he's representing the 917. Look, if you're going to use hip hop slang while wearing a cowboy hat, you're just going to confuse me. Please pick one genre and stick with it.
Ryan introduces us to Texas and reminds us that both Kimberly Caldwell and Kelly Clarkson hail from Texas. Perhaps this year we'll find somebody named Kathy Crumbley to keep the K.C. trend alive. Then Ryan wonders if Houston will have "the right stuff." Get it? Right stuff? With this rocket behind me? Remember that movie? Sigh.
The first singer we see in Houston is Markeis McCray, who thoughtfully stored his gum in his back pocket before singing. Markeis was a little, let's say laid back. Which makes sense, since he only had a 1-in-4 chance of winning. How he arrived at that number was perplexing to many, including Simon, who tried out some word problems on Markeis. "Now Markeis, if you're one person, and 60,000 people try out, what are you odds of winning? Hint: not 1-in-4." But Markeis assures us that word problems aren't really his style, so let's just sing. Actually, there will be no singing for Markeis today and after he guesses that Ryan is about 40 years old, he's done for the day. Maybe he's just not good with numbers.
Next up is Lucas Dixon, smartly swathed in suede. Lucas makes faces like Tim Curry in The Rocky Horror Picture show when he sings and the judges really disliked his voice, so I don't like his chances of future success. But he might end up better off than Fookling Lee, who showed up for her audition covered in glitter. Accidentally or intentionally, who can say? Fookling went to Harvard, can play three instruments and cannot sing. That one sentence basically sums up her entire biography.
Then we get Carlos Pacheco, who is definitely a man, as his bushy, Pete Gallagher-like eyebrows can attest. Sure, the eyebrows aren't the same color as his hair, but they're still masculine.
Rain kept pouring down outside and misery kept pouring down inside courtesy of Sarah Santiago. Sarah asks if she can start over and unless she means starting over at age 3, she has no chance of being a singer. Sarah begs for a third chance and then just launches into another bass version of some song. I can't really tell which one. Okay, fourth try. Oops, wait. Fifth try. Could this be the one? Umm...no. Outside, Sarah says she knows she has a good voice, a statement obviously not based on experience. She also claims she can act, which is a very important quality for a pop singer to have.
Next up is Stephen Rainwater. The good news for Stephen is, based on his winsome smile and nice suit, he should have quite a career in photocopier sales ahead of him. Singing? Eh, not so much. Out in the hallway, Mallory thinks her presence is what will make her the next American Idol. Her personality certainly crackled on camera, so let's see. Dancing...shaking...glasses being ripped off...hmm. It seems like Mallory tied a cute little knot in her shirt for no reason. But Mallory's dynamic personality obviously doesn't include any humility as she refused to believe the judges' comments. Paula suggests resurrecting the American Idol subcontest, also known as Sub-rule Rasheedah 1A, by sending Mallory to a mall to see what the good people of Houston think. The only question is, can one mall contain Mallory's dynamism? Maybe if they don't mind the roof being blown off. Mallory puts everything she has into it, but the food court crowd just ain't buying.
Following a break, it's still raining and the judges still aren't finding anybody they like. And the contestants are striking back, calling the judges out. One woman declares that, "I would never bring my daughter to this crap." She said this from the waiting room so maybe she's just there to provide moral support to kids that aren't hers. But just when it looked like Randy, Simon and Paula were ready to pack it in, Sarah Silva came in. Hey! They like her! Well, at least two of them do. But anything's a start! I think things are really going to start turning around. But I'm an eternal optimist so we'll just have to wait and see. But we won't have to wait long, as Kiira Bivens takes her shot. Kiira's mom thinks she's going to be a star, and it's rare for an auditioner to have the support of their mother, so she must be really good!
Colin Leahy comes in and says he's the new Clay because he works with kids and he likes to smile. That's a good start. But he's going to sing an American Juniors song, perhaps because he's worked with some of them at camp, which is a bad turn. Then he starts singing, which is a really bad turn. It seems that Clay's title as Best Singer/Camp Counselor is safe for another day. On the way out, Colin says "It's all good," indicating that he may not understand the meaning of that phrase.
Kiira wails and wails and judgment time comes. Randy sorta liked it, but Paula thinks Kiira's whole bit was just an affect, a show, an act. Randy acts as Kiira's defense lawyer and Simon and Paula decide to pack it in and let Randy run the show. So Kiira is through to the next round with one vote! Three if you count Mom and Dad's.
So far in Houston, the best singer they've had has only been liked by one judge. Conrado Lozoya, who spent a good 15 minutes ironing words onto his shirt, completely flamed out and we were back on the bad singer train. Maybe Lonnie Hightower could change the tide. He had a cardigan vest on and a flamboyant personality, so that was a good start. Then he sang, and that was a bad finish. Simon thinks Lonnie would be good on a boat, Randy thinks he'd be good on Broadway, and I start realizing that maybe it's time somebody came up with a Broadway boat. A cruise ship featuring the hits of the Golden Alley! The Jaded idea factory has another hit!
Outside, Lesley Thomas declares through clenched teeth that the judges missed their chance with her, and I can't help but think of Mary J. Blige's acceptance speech at the VMAs a couple years ago when everybody thought Mary had finally lost it. "Man, this is the angriest acceptance speech I've ever seen!"
Things take a turn for the cheerier when Seacrest comes across George Huff, the nicest, happiest, smilingest guy in the whole wide world. I want George to be my friend. I need to surround myself with people like this if for no other reason than that George would probably compliment and praise everything I ever said or did. And I'd like somebody besides myself to do that for a change.
Back from a break and Christopher Huang declares that he's going to be a big Hong Kong star. That may be true but he definitely won't be a big American star. Unless he plays Lonnie Duck Dong in an upcoming remake of Sixteen Candles. – isn't a sequel for TV being made? Following that is Cassie LaBeau. Judging from Cassie's polished manner, blonde hair and Texas residency, I'm willing to bet that Cassie has been a part of the pageant circuit at some point in her life. It only takes a few notes for Simon to put Cassie through, so ladies, start working on your poise, posture and evening gown attire if you're looking for the secret of Idol success.
Of course we couldn't possibly have two good singers in a row so next they trot out Roman Gutierrez and his intensely paisley shirt. Maybe the giant silver chain around Roman's neck was hampering his voice because he sure couldn't sing so good. In fact, he was so ungood and so unable to believe it that he drove Simon to quit. Randy followed close behind but Roman's no quitter! He just kept on rocking out to an empty room. If that's not Idol-quality dedication, I don't know what is.
Before the next break, Simon says the next guy we're going to see is possibly the worst singer he's ever heard. Simon may be given to hyperbole but considering what we've seen in Houston so far, this should be tremendous. Commercial...waiting...waiting... waiting...okay, we're back!
Jonathan Rey. He makes it clear that he's from Conroe not Houston, but hey, Texas is Texas. Jonathan doesn't really have that Idol look and that's being charitable. The judges reject John's effort but he isn't going to take this lying down! That just wouldn't be Texas! So he tosses some water in Simon's face. Simon does a remarkable job blocking a liquid with his hand but he still gets some on his shirt. His tight, rippling man shirt. Jonathan is escorted out and while for a moment it looks like he's going to be charged with misdemeanor water tossing, he's just sent home with a warning. "Water goes in a cup and stays in a cup, young man!"
So...man. That was Houston. The judges didn't see much talent, they were almost blown away by a thunderstorm and Simon got the Harlem Globetrotter bucket treatment. But despite all the bad vibes in the smoggy air, I was able to crank out another USDA-inspected, Grade-A quality recap. Talk about fighting through adversity!
All Season 3 Recaps
- What I Did On My Summer Vacation Or, How To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb
- In the beginning.we ran out of titles
- First show, first recap. (This will be the order all season long.)
- The Journey Continues! (For now.)
- Night Three! (Snappy titles are overrated, anyway)
- Finally! A show about California!
- Mokolokilikilanilaki! It's Hawai'i!
- The road is to Hollywood! (Is paved with broken dreams. And asphalt.)
- You're going to Hollywood! (For a little bit, at least.)
- 87 - people not good enough = 32 finalists!
- Two will be happy. Six will be sad. Lots will be watching.
- Sing Again!
- Jaded's Cousin Weighs In
- I'm Back, Baby!
- You! Over here! With the rest of the finalists!
- Who's not so good?
- Group four! Then the Wild Card!
- Finally! Finalists!
- Wild Cards! Wild! Cards! Wild!
- Wild Card Results
- XII - I = XI (Hope you like this title formula, because you'll be seeing it at least X more times.)
- XI - I = X (I was serious when I said I was using this title the rest of the way)
- X - I = IX (Now THAT'S confusing!)
- IX - I = VIII
- VIII - I = VII
- VII - I = VI
- VI - I = V
- A Special Recap For A Special Show's Special!
- V (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- V - I = IV (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- IV - I = III
- Special #2!
- III (The one with Clubber Lang!)
- III - I = Almost done!
- II (This is it! For Tuesdays. For now.)
- II - I = We're done, baby
- Hey, pals!