Jaded's Recap: Two will be happy. Six will be sad. Lots will be watching.
by Jaded 2/11/2004
Last night, they put on their fancy clothes, fixed (or mussed) their hair just so and they sang, sang, sang! Tonight they'll either cheer, cheer, cheer or cry, cry, cry. It's time to find out which two lucky ducks received the most votes last night, thus landing a coveted spot in the finals. And, more importantly, a coveted spot in front of me during another one of my hilarious interviews. "Are you excited to meet me? I'm awesome, that's a nice shirt you're wearing, seriously, are you excited to meet me?" Ugh. I'm so out of material.
"Last night, I gave a dramatic intro. Tonight, I'm giving a super dramatic intro." Nice to have Baritone Ben back for another season. Through the darkness, one can still make out the kids perkily standing there. You know, here's a question for you. If you make the round of 32 and buy two spanking new outfits to wear, one for singing night and one for resulting night, and you lose, do you just throw those outfits away? Or do you take them home and still wear them to dinner parties, bad mojo be danged. "Wait. Is that...that's the hat you wore the night you went home! Why are you wearing that?"
Ryan, seemingly on a seven second delay, comes out to kick things off. You know, to help us remember, up front there oughta be a man in black.
Speaking of hats, (remember when we were doing that?) Marque is wearing a black leather baseball hat with a footlong cinch in the back. Keep that thing fastened tight! The other kids are wearing, you know, basic clothes. But Katie is wearing...well...let's just say I really appreciate the effort. Seacrest informs us that the show tallied 11.5 million votes last night. Nice to see people still had the energy to call and text after the Virginia and Tennessee primaries closed.
We get a retread of what happened last night, which everybody is well-versed on thanks to me. Yes, I'm giving more credit to myself. Deservedly so, I say. Judges, you were there last night. What do you think will happen tonight? Randy picks Diana and Fantasia to move on, Paula picks Diana and Fantasia and Simon switches things up and tabs Fantasia and Diana. So it's unanimous! Which mean either Diana or Fantasia is about to be really disappointed because that's just how these things work.
After a break, Ryan is going to pull aside the three highest vote getters and make them feel special for a bit. Marque, last night the judges liked you okay. You're not in the top three. Ashley, last night the judges liked you okay. You're not in the top three. Fantasia, last night the judges absolutely adored you. You're in the top three! So far, not much suspense. It's like watching a Magnum, P.I. you've already seen a few times.
Erskine, last night the judges liked you okay. You're not in the top three. Diana, last night the judges absolutely adored you. You're in the top three! So far, not much...wait. I already used that. Uh...uh...ooh! It's Katie. Katie, last night the judges liked you okay. (Sensing a pattern here?) You're not in the top three. Matthew. Jennifer. Last night the judges liked each of you okay. So we'll just go a break and leave you hanging and...no! It's Matthew. They're switching everything up this year! I'm lost!
Ah ah ahhahahah! That's how you spell out the theme song, you know? Anyway, quickly moving on, the first person through this week is...Fantasia Barrino! I think we all saw that coming. Fantasia LOVES us all, she'll have us know. Time for another break. Breaking...breaking...sitting...waiting...here we go! Matthew. Diana. Diana. Matthew. One of you will be happy. One of you will sit tight for three weeks hoping for a shot at the wild card. One of you has stuff printed on your jeans. One of you has a lush mane of wavy hair. And here it is! It's...a patented Seacrest fake out! Look at next week's eight first. Okay. Seriously this time. It's...Diana. Back to the day spa for Matthew.
All Season 3 Recaps
- What I Did On My Summer Vacation Or, How To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb
- In the beginning.we ran out of titles
- First show, first recap. (This will be the order all season long.)
- The Journey Continues! (For now.)
- Night Three! (Snappy titles are overrated, anyway)
- Finally! A show about California!
- Mokolokilikilanilaki! It's Hawai'i!
- The road is to Hollywood! (Is paved with broken dreams. And asphalt.)
- You're going to Hollywood! (For a little bit, at least.)
- 87 - people not good enough = 32 finalists!
- Two will be happy. Six will be sad. Lots will be watching.
- Sing Again!
- Jaded's Cousin Weighs In
- I'm Back, Baby!
- You! Over here! With the rest of the finalists!
- Who's not so good?
- Group four! Then the Wild Card!
- Finally! Finalists!
- Wild Cards! Wild! Cards! Wild!
- Wild Card Results
- XII - I = XI (Hope you like this title formula, because you'll be seeing it at least X more times.)
- XI - I = X (I was serious when I said I was using this title the rest of the way)
- X - I = IX (Now THAT'S confusing!)
- IX - I = VIII
- VIII - I = VII
- VII - I = VI
- VI - I = V
- A Special Recap For A Special Show's Special!
- V (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- V - I = IV (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- IV - I = III
- Special #2!
- III (The one with Clubber Lang!)
- III - I = Almost done!
- II (This is it! For Tuesdays. For now.)
- II - I = We're done, baby
- Hey, pals!