Jaded's Recap: VII
I know you're probably sick of these titles. Hey, before this season, I was sick of coming up with them. But look at it this way. In two more weeks, we'll be into the Rocky numbers and then we can all reminisce on our favorite moments from the quintilogy. The time Rocky got thrown into the stands by Thunderlips, the Ultimate Male. The time Rocky trained in Russia with a big piece of wood while Drago had all the latest technology. And the time Rocky warned the criminals to stop, or his mom will shoot.
Last week, Idol switched up the dates on us, and most of us reacted like lab animals whose food button was suddenly changed. We kept pushing yellow, but instead of a tasty pellet, we received a mild electric shock. We were lost. Cowering in the corner, scared to come out. But this week, we're back on track! Although I'm missing the Leafs/Sens Game 7 for this. Judging from the first period, it seems like the Sens will disappoint me once again, so whatever. Plus, I don't get paid for watching hockey. I get paid for watching Idol, where I got the skillz to the pay the billz! Yes, yes y'all! (Note the extreme, in your face use of Zs right there. I'm still hep, kids!)
Ryan starts things off tonight deep in the audience. And he's wearing.black on black. Tuesday, dark suit. We all know that. Although I can't tell if at this point somebody in wardrobe is on to my ramblings and just toying with me. I'm probably giving myself way, way, way, way, way, way too much credit. Onstage, the nervous kids are arranged short-tall-short-tall just to keep things orderly. The Press Your Luck lights burn the back of their necks, but they still smile.
Moving on, Ryan introduces Simon as Lola, a showgirl from thirty years ago. Uh.brilliant? Does he try this stuff out on "On Air" first? That audience seems to go crazy for just about anything, including Corey Feldman, so maybe Ryan's taste meter has been skewed by the constant shrieks of delight. I mean, I have no idea where that line came from or where it was going. But at least it's gone now. And here are the other two judges. Now our very special celebrity guest.Barry Manilow! In a tribute to Season Two, Barry is wearing Clay's red leather jacket from last year. One Manilow montage later, we have four judges for tonight's show.
Time for singing! First up tonight is Diana, smartly dressed. In her piece, she cutely calls our guest Mr. Barry. She's definitely from the South. You know, we've tried a million lights on stage. Let's see what a performance is like with just one white light. No! It's scary! Cue all lights! Purples! Yellows! All of them! Watching Diana sing, I can't help wonder if Mariah Carey is watching this and thinking, "Gosh, I really miss my 16-year old face. At least she's putting it to good use." The song wraps and Randy, well, I don't know what Randy thinks of it. He said a bunch of stuff, though. Simon calls it her best effort. Which could also be an insult. But I think it's a compliment in this instance. Good for her!
At the 0:22 mark of the 2nd period, Ottawa scores. 3-1. Here we go. Yes, I'm watching the Idol commercials. Why do you ask? "An abusive relationship.could tear The O.C. apart!" See? We're back and Ryan accuses Barry of stealing his hairdo. The kid is on fire tonight! That brings us to George Huff, creator of the Huff Bounce. George feels so confident in his song tonight that he has no need for a collar. Collars are for people with something to hide! By the way, I've never heard either of the first two songs. I really should listen to more adult contemporary radio. George breaks out the Mini Huff Bounce during his song, which I guess is okay, but I'm really hungry for some deep knee bends. Blast those quads, George! After the song, Randy tells George to not try so hard. Barry tells George he didn't do so well and also that he did great. Paula liked it. Simon tells George he really could've used a shirt collar tonight, then goads the audience into booing. I think he likes the boos!
Third up tonight is Jennifer Hudson, wearing shants, which is what I call really short pants. And no, there is no limit to my clever creativity. It's a bottomless well! Jennifer is also wearing the shortest scarf in the history of the world. But when you're talented, I guess you can wear whatever you want. You want to stick out. Me, I try to blend in like a businessman in the '50s. The song ends and in the audience we see a guy in a leather jacket and sunglasses waving a "Jennifer Rocks" sign. You know, if you want to be cool and tough, a leather jacket and shades is good start. But waving a bright yellow sign on American Idol is a bad finish. Anyway, the judges loved Jennifer. More importantly, Jennifer loved Jennifer. Before the break, Ryan asks Barry to speak like Randy does because it's obviously hilarious when other people talk like that. Kna'mean? Word! Unfortunately, like the rest of us, Barry wasn't listening to a word Ryan was saying. Man, now it's all awkward up in this piece!
13:20 remaining in the 2nd. Still 3-1. These are just random numbers I'm making up for no reason. I'm still watching Idol. Oh man! Martin Prusek is in! Wait, I was thinking of Guy Sebastian, the Australian Idol, who's.in.the audience tonight. Adelaide sees him and goes wild! Sitting in better seats than Guy are three of The Swans. Post-surgery, of course. We don't let the non-beautiful sit near the Idol stage. You know who else is a swan? Jasmine. Gosh, I'm such a sweet talker. No wonder the ladies love me! A little bit of Ryan and Simon horseplay and now Jasmine can finally sing. Very nice dress, ratty jean jacket. It's shabby chic! Jasmine has gone young Hollywood on us! Randy liked Jasmine's efforts, Barry really liked it, Paula really liked it as well and Simon points out that Jasmine finally lost the flower. Man! I didn't even notice that! The one thing I'm even here for and I can't do it. In my defense, I was too busy with.well, I was too busy. Still 3-1, by the way.
Welcome back to Idol! Seacrest! In! The control booth. Next up tonight is La (this joke is officially dead so don't ever expect to see it again) Toya. "Singing all the time, it's La Toya London!" Right. She sings all the time. All the kids do. They love music so much! But what tune will she be tackling tonight? Oh. I see. Went a long way for that one, didn't I? Admire my determination! Disadmire my lack of wit! Man, look at that bracelet. It's like what the High Priest wore in "Temple of Doom." Of course, while I'm busy making petty observations and half jokes, La Toya is turning out an amazingly powerful performance that leaves the judges in her wake. In the audience, a sign reads, "La Toya London. Taken it all the way." If I were that person, I'd be TAKING that sign home right about now to fix it. Going into more ads, Ryan tells us John Stevens is up next, so don't move. Okay. We won't. La la la la la. I'm just sitting here watching Simon's Vanilla Coke spot. La la la la la. Ooh! Prusek just got that one! Still 3-1. Cmon, Hossa! C'mon Alfie! La la la la la. Just watching Idol. Doo doot doo doot doo.
We're back and so is John Stevens. Should we, perhaps, you know, expect a loungy version of a Manilow song now? Or am I being, perhaps, you know, cynical? During The song starts and John, wearing the same suit he wore two weeks and sitting in the same chair he sat in last week and singing in the same loungy way he's sung every week, croons his way through "Mandy," closing with a stare and grab for the camera that were simply beautiful. I guess I'd still have to say my favorite version of "Mandy" is when Homer Simpson sang, "Oh, Margy, you came and you brought me a turkey. On my trip away from worky." The judges were okay with it for the most part, although Simon wasn't really turned on by the performance. Then he tops things off by saying John reminds him of Stan Laurel. Wow. I mean, that is reaching WAY back. Even a retro lover like John had to take a step back and process that one. Time for another break. Hmm. Second intermission. Guess I'll just watch this O.C. promo again. Ooh! We're back and Fantasia is ready to dominate. And she's going to make us dance. Even if we don't want to. She's like a persistent wedding DJ. "Come on, old folks in the back! You too!" Between the skin tight jeans and huge heels, I have no idea how Fantasia is able to even walk, let alone cavort about the audience while blasting out her song. You know, if she's going to close her song next to the judges' table, I really hope they're going to have good things to say. This could get uncomfortable. The song ends and Fantasia retreats to a safe distance on the stage for her comments. Randy loved the energy. Barry loved the whole Fantasia-ness of it. Paula liked it. I think. Simon liked just about all of it.
Okay, great! That's our show. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a third period to watch. Seacrest! Out.
All Season 3 Recaps
- What I Did On My Summer Vacation Or, How To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb
- In the beginning.we ran out of titles
- First show, first recap. (This will be the order all season long.)
- The Journey Continues! (For now.)
- Night Three! (Snappy titles are overrated, anyway)
- Finally! A show about California!
- Mokolokilikilanilaki! It's Hawai'i!
- The road is to Hollywood! (Is paved with broken dreams. And asphalt.)
- You're going to Hollywood! (For a little bit, at least.)
- 87 - people not good enough = 32 finalists!
- Two will be happy. Six will be sad. Lots will be watching.
- Sing Again!
- Jaded's Cousin Weighs In
- I'm Back, Baby!
- You! Over here! With the rest of the finalists!
- Who's not so good?
- Group four! Then the Wild Card!
- Finally! Finalists!
- Wild Cards! Wild! Cards! Wild!
- Wild Card Results
- XII - I = XI (Hope you like this title formula, because you'll be seeing it at least X more times.)
- XI - I = X (I was serious when I said I was using this title the rest of the way)
- X - I = IX (Now THAT'S confusing!)
- IX - I = VIII
- VIII - I = VII
- VII - I = VI
- VI - I = V
- A Special Recap For A Special Show's Special!
- V (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- V - I = IV (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- IV - I = III
- Special #2!
- III (The one with Clubber Lang!)
- III - I = Almost done!
- II (This is it! For Tuesdays. For now.)
- II - I = We're done, baby
- Hey, pals!