Jaded's Recap: V - I = IV (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
by Jaded 5/05/2004
With last night's show being a throwback to the Big Band era, I wonder if tonight's show will be a throwback to vaudeville?
I'm just hoping I can offer a recap that's a throwback to when I used to be funny, because as the heroic JPL pointed out today when we were hanging together - that's right, I'm Larry King now - all I have anymore are quips about the giant backdrop and everybody's outfits. Sigh. I'm all washed up. And in only two years. The web makes everything go faster.
Seacrest comes out to start the show and you know he can't help but smile. He's on TV again! Hey, I think I saw that suit he's wearing on The Sopranos last night. And man, look at that backdrop! Oh boy. Ryan very, very eagerly introduces the finalists and next thing you know we're watching last night's show again. Still pleasant. God bless the good ol' US of A! Although the second time around I realize that Paula's thumb matched her dress last night. Sequins and everything! You don't see too many sequined thumb casts out there.
We have a little time to pad out tonight, so Ryan grills the kids about the show. "Jasmine, is it hard being on this show? Is there any pressure on you?" "Yes." He really gets people to open up! Then Seacrest checks his megawatch and tells us somebody will be in a bad mood in about fifteen minutes. It's easy to tell time when your minute hand is four inches long.
Back from a break and Ryan tells us that the Idol tour has 52 stops this summer. 52! You can't get Bob Weir on the road that much! y. Keeping things simple tonight, Seacrest will just identity the two lowest vote getters and kick one of them out.
Diana, your shirt has sassy Chinese letters on it. My friend Ming Li translated it for me and told me that it reads, "I hope I don't go home tonight fortune shining. Lucky numbers: 3 6 8" So step on back, baby! George, people talked about you last night. You step back too. La Toya, you step back too. Jasmine, you're wearing a rubber tank top tonight. Classy? I don't care. You step back too. Fantasia, the surviving members of Flock of Seagulls are pulling for you tonight. You step on back too. Um, then I guess taking a step back wasn't really a sign of anything tonight but Seacrest's thirst for total control.
So who's in the bottom two tonight? Diana, you step forward. La Toya, you step forward. Now take six steps to the left, five back to the right, squat once and then stand still. Thanks. Fantasia, you bring that '80s aerobics outfit and lone shin guard forward. You three ladies are safe tonight. Ryan asks the judges for comments and that's when we see that Paula's wearing a ring almost as big as her thumb cast. Now that's how you accessorize, kids!
Hey, I know one of you guys is going home tonight, but how about just one more song for the people that didn't vote for you? Incredibly unsure of himself, George timidly grabs the microphone and forces a smile through what could be his last effort. Nice moment for the kid. George wraps his song with a flourish and lets America see him sweat. Hoo! So hot on this stage!
"Take it away, Jazzy." That's right. That's what he said. She sits down for her possible last performance, and I tell you, if she loses this week, pants chain sales are going to be crippled. Some mall just ordered twenty gross of those things for their stores. George and Jasmine console each other at center stage, and I'm left to wonder who ripped the collar off of George's shirt before the show started.
We're back and the tension is unbearable. Or so they say. I feel fine, really. You know who doesn't feel so fine right now, though? Huff to the diddy. George congratulates Jasmine for.not losing, I guess.and then has the stage to himself. For another minute or so at least. He shaved that mustache for nothing! It'll take at least two weeks to grow back!
Only four remain for disco night next week an all new O.C. up next Seacrest out! That's how you close a show with dazzle, ladies and gentlemen. And lastly, let's give George credit for not changing the lyrics of his closing song to "It Used To Be A Wonderful World."
All Season 3 Recaps
- What I Did On My Summer Vacation Or, How To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb
- In the beginning.we ran out of titles
- First show, first recap. (This will be the order all season long.)
- The Journey Continues! (For now.)
- Night Three! (Snappy titles are overrated, anyway)
- Finally! A show about California!
- Mokolokilikilanilaki! It's Hawai'i!
- The road is to Hollywood! (Is paved with broken dreams. And asphalt.)
- You're going to Hollywood! (For a little bit, at least.)
- 87 - people not good enough = 32 finalists!
- Two will be happy. Six will be sad. Lots will be watching.
- Sing Again!
- Jaded's Cousin Weighs In
- I'm Back, Baby!
- You! Over here! With the rest of the finalists!
- Who's not so good?
- Group four! Then the Wild Card!
- Finally! Finalists!
- Wild Cards! Wild! Cards! Wild!
- Wild Card Results
- XII - I = XI (Hope you like this title formula, because you'll be seeing it at least X more times.)
- XI - I = X (I was serious when I said I was using this title the rest of the way)
- X - I = IX (Now THAT'S confusing!)
- IX - I = VIII
- VIII - I = VII
- VII - I = VI
- VI - I = V
- A Special Recap For A Special Show's Special!
- V (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- V - I = IV (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- IV - I = III
- Special #2!
- III (The one with Clubber Lang!)
- III - I = Almost done!
- II (This is it! For Tuesdays. For now.)
- II - I = We're done, baby
- Hey, pals!