Jaded's Recap: Hey, pals!
It's hot outside. Of course, I'm inside being cooled by freon, but I hear it's hot outside. A few of you might be wondering what I've been up to since Fantasia sent Diana back to Smallsville, GA in tears. Well, I've been eating ice cream by the gallon and drinking cold Arnold Palmers by the.gallon as well, I guess.
One thing I've been doing is lamenting the death of the promised JPL clip. As a helpful friend pointed out, today's zeitgeist moves at ultra warp speed. Fads and focuses come in and disappear faster than ever. So when Idol ended, JPL forever faded from the public conscience. Except perhaps for his more ferocious, email-fluent fans. Anyway, that clip now resides in a digital graveyard, so forget about it.
In other news, when I haven't been eating lobster on Cape Cod, or watching 12 hours of daily poker coverage, I've been coming up with new material for American Idol 4. I figure I should have at least two new jokes by the time the new season gets underway. Of course, by the third week of Idol 4, I'll have two very, very old and tired jokes.
Now, I know what most of you are thinking. You call this a summer dose of Jaded? Where's the wit? The verve? The incredible insights on people's various foibles? Well, it's summer. And the heat shuts down my cortex. Or frontal lobe. Whichever one is used for thinking. I forget. But that doesn't mean you have to wait until January next to bask in my amazingness. At least, not as long as you live in or near one of nine key cities. Say, Cleveland, DC, Orlando, St. Louis, New Orleans, Vegas, Anchorage or San Francisco. Because if you do, you might, you know, possibly have a two-day window in which you could see me in person. Now how's that for coyness?!
All right, now how's about some directness, you ask? This isn't a BBC sitcom, chap! We like our humo(u)r direct and in your face, like Ashton would do! So here we go. I'll be at each of the eight audition cities this August and September. Why? Because each video I star in is amazingly hilarious and because Idol raised the age limit to 28, so there will be a better crop to "observe." Particularly in the hot August weather.
So now you're probably thinking, "Oh my God! I can finally see what the Jaded Journalist looks like! If only I knew what he looked like, the column would be much funnier!" Question is, how do you recognize a person you've never seen before. It's like a blind date. A sexy, sexy, sexy blind date. Well, one approach would be to carry around a small sign reading "Jaded," like you're a limo driver at the airport. Maybe I'll stop by and softly brush your cheek with my hand, making you swoon. Another approach would be to look for a devilishly handsome man walking around with an undeserved swagger. Chances are it's either me, or a guy about to go down in flames in his audition. Either way, it's an opportunity to observe Grade-A comedy. So get out there and stand in line!
All Season 3 Recaps
- What I Did On My Summer Vacation Or, How To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb
- In the beginning.we ran out of titles
- First show, first recap. (This will be the order all season long.)
- The Journey Continues! (For now.)
- Night Three! (Snappy titles are overrated, anyway)
- Finally! A show about California!
- Mokolokilikilanilaki! It's Hawai'i!
- The road is to Hollywood! (Is paved with broken dreams. And asphalt.)
- You're going to Hollywood! (For a little bit, at least.)
- 87 - people not good enough = 32 finalists!
- Two will be happy. Six will be sad. Lots will be watching.
- Sing Again!
- Jaded's Cousin Weighs In
- I'm Back, Baby!
- You! Over here! With the rest of the finalists!
- Who's not so good?
- Group four! Then the Wild Card!
- Finally! Finalists!
- Wild Cards! Wild! Cards! Wild!
- Wild Card Results
- XII - I = XI (Hope you like this title formula, because you'll be seeing it at least X more times.)
- XI - I = X (I was serious when I said I was using this title the rest of the way)
- X - I = IX (Now THAT'S confusing!)
- IX - I = VIII
- VIII - I = VII
- VII - I = VI
- VI - I = V
- A Special Recap For A Special Show's Special!
- V (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- V - I = IV (Only III more weeks of this dumb title!)
- IV - I = III
- Special #2!
- III (The one with Clubber Lang!)
- III - I = Almost done!
- II (This is it! For Tuesdays. For now.)
- II - I = We're done, baby
- Hey, pals!