Jaded's Recap: Week 6 - Tuesday

Guys here, girls there. It's just like using a public bathroom, except we vote afterwards! That and other colorful imagery coming up in this recap! So with the gals going tonight, the only real question is how many Joni Mitchell covers we'll be treated to. I'm guessing around zero, but you never know.

"It's Tuesday night. I'm back in the dark. And I'm wearing a cashmere blazer. Blazing a trail of cashmere, if you will. If you tackled me right now, it would feel unlike anything you've ever experienced." And thus, another show begins. Ryan explains that the girls will be singing tonight and the guys from last night are sitting right over there. The guys then modestly give themselves a standing ovation. Nice.

Then Ryan makes some sort of crack about Randy and strudel, because we all know how much Randy loves Germans and pastries. Um, hey, here's a tip for whoever wrote that jibe. Randy had surgery two years ago and dropped about 125 pounds. You know, in case you hadn't looked at him in the last 24 months. So the fat jokes are sorta...outdated. It's okay. I haven't updated my joke file in a while, either.

Vonzell Solomon starts the show off with a heat wave. Literally! Well, actually figuratively. But look at those flames behind her! If you ever wondered what a salmon filet sees when it sits in your broiler, this is it. Randy says that Vonzell was a little pitchy, but she never delivered a bill to the wrong house, so she's all right with him. Paula liked it and Simon really liked it. Literally really liked it!

Next up is Amanda Avila. I once told her she has really nice teeth and she was almost positive it was some sort of insult. I've really carved out quite a reputation for myself when people don't believe a single thing I say. On that note, the bottom of Amanda's top looks like a pie crust. The judges weren't exactly blown away. Sure. Because Amanda didn't have a flaming backdrop.

Anyway, here's Janay. Janay is moving her head like this song is an actual conversation with somebody. Like she's auditioning for a movie role and is trying really hard to look like she's acting. But remember this. She's gonna love you, baby! Forever! But the judges weren't sold on it. By the way, isn't it nice how in love Paula and Simon are again?

Look at Carrie's saucy little dress. The mesh teases us with a glimpse of knee. You may not think it's a big deal, but back in Oklahoma, you can get arrested for public indecency for something like that. In fact, her state senator is probably having a conniption right now. Incidentally, the judges all love Carrie. She's finding success in the big city!

Seacrest! In! Get it?! See, because usually, at the end...ah, forget it. C'mon, y'all! Sarah Mather, y'all! Boy, her performance really got people on their feet. Before it even started. Hey, who are those people to her right? Is that a high school field trip or something? Who does Sarah look like? I just can't figure it out and it's driving me insane. Like...um...dang! The song ends and the judges are not impressed. Not even with her necklace? Look at how huge it is! Hmm. I may not have enough time to figure out who Sarah looks like.

Melinda Lira, or as she's known in Italy, Melinda Dollar, is next. Ugh. Seriously, that was awful. I don't know what I was thinking there. And yet there it is. So live with it. Dressed for a nice Mother's Day brunch, Melinda slows things down for all the lovers out there. Randy calls Melinda a young Kelly Clarkson, which is interesting, considering they're the same age. It's like calling me a young Seann William Scott.

Back from a break and Ryan makes some crack about being at Simon's when his girlfriend is out of town. Who exactly is that joke on? Nadia Turner comes out and proves that you don't have to be any wider than the microphone to be a good singer. That girl's going to fall through one of the cracks in the stage. You know, with this hair, Nadia is a blue jeans model in training. Put some random white dude up there and some Asian chick and people would be buying boot cut jeans in droves. The judges love it and Simon says Nadia is the antidote to karaoke hell. After politely explaining to the simple American that an antidote cures a poison so he was, in fact, complimenting Nadia, everybody is happy.

Now we have Celena Rae, which I always thought was a federal mortgage lender. Oh, they're coming fast and furious tonight, people! Celena has always considered the circle to be her lucky shape, as her earrings and belt give away. Celena looks like a hot mom in training. I mean, she's hot now and all, but she's going to look the same in ten years and that means hot mom. And good for her, I say! Unfortunately, the circles don't bring her the fortune she needs, as the judges weren't blown away.

Oh my! What?! A duck just bit Vin Diesel's ear! Ohhhhhhhhhhh! I am DEFINITELY going to see that. Hey, do you think Aloha got picked for this little piece because of her red skirt? Mikalah Gordon takes the stage next and I'm baffled that she's not doing a Streisand number. Unfortunately, Mikalah is too busy trying to remember how her accent goes and chatting with Randy to hit the song in the right places. I'm starting to wonder if Mike Myers is playing Mikalah this season. Oh my gawd! I'm doing a shtick! I'm so precocious! Somehow the judges all loved it, except for Simon, who realizes that half of the audience will find Mikalah endlessly annoying. No word as to which camp I fall into.

Lindsey Cardinale gets into the spotlight next. Umm...yep, that's Lindsey all right. I don't really have too much more to add. Neither do the judges. Following another break is Jessica Sierra. Knowing that this is a big night, Jessica dyed the rest of her hair blond for the sake of uniformity. And people say Gen Y isn't classy! Hey! Split screen! Double Jessicas! Awesome. That was like the greatest high school senior portrait of all time. So take a look at her now! I bet Jessica has won a few girl-fights in her day.

In the anchor position tonight is Aloha Mischeaux. And no, MS Word absolutely refuses to believe that's how her name is spelled. The question is, are you gonna work it out? I mean, are you? Cause if not, quit wasting my time and just walk out that door right now. On another note, is that the shortest jacket ever made? The judges liked it, and I liked watching Paula translate Randy's comments for Aloha.

So that's that. Seacrest calls for a group hug, then looks disgusted by it. Perhaps somebody scuffed his jacket.