Jaded's Recap: Week 13 - Tuesday

Tuesday! Toooooooooooooooooosday! My life is useful again! Seacrest promises that tonight's show is about to get personal, which is usually how they kick off Monday Night Raw. So this should be really great! Expect at least a couple of bench clearers.

The barn doors open and Seacrest smiles his way out to center stage and informs us that watching Idol without voting is like starting a conversation with Randy.

Then, Ryan explains that tonight's theme is songs from the year you were born. Or, if you're being formal, Songs From The Year You Were Born. If I was on tonight, I'm pretty sure I'd sing "The Hustle." That'd be sure to get people on their feet. Nadia starts off the show after explaining that her mom is from the Caribbean. Which explains why she was born in... whatever year she said she was born in. I missed it. Nadia finally closes what seemed like one of the longest performances in Idol history. Randy and Paula weren't crazy about the song choice, which means it really couldn't have been good. Simon tries to critique it by comparing it to wallpaper, but the audience lustily boos him. One guy goes so far as to give Simon the universal thumbs down signal. This is just like wrestling! Then defense counsel Seacrest tells Nadia everybody hates Simon's wallpaper (nice!) and gives Nadia an opening to defend her choice. That defense is...Crystal Gayle, y'all!

After a break, Seacrest again cracks wise. See, Simon is old, get it? He's so old! People hate being old! And again...well, maybe you liked it. Bo Bice is up next and, in a shocking turn of events, is singing "Freebird." Is he doing the full version? Is tonight's show three hours?

And is anything more hilarious than the fact that Bo Bice was born the same year as "Freebird"? I mean, if that's not a sign, I don't know what it is. Tonight's performance marks the 9,874th time Bo Bice has sung this song, if you count the 9,873 times he's sung it in his truck while ripping down the highway. Randy and Paula loved it, but Simon thought it was a little obvious. By the way, his comments are once again drowned out by boos. People who try to shout down dissent and opinions they don't like? What is this?!

Anwar is up next and he's brought out the hair to celebrate his birth year. Anwar is both symbolically and literally taking his song to new heights, hitting a big note and standing up from his bar stool at the same time. On another note, the only way you could possibly see more of Anwar's chest is to catch him at the beach. Do I have more to add about Anwar? I feel like I probably should. Hmm. Hey, how about that collar?! What do you think about Anwar's collar, Tiny Elvis? "Man, that thing is huuuuuuuuuge!" Randy and Paula love Anwar, but Simon thinks he might be a little too nice. Simon likes his Idols a little bit dangerous, like Kelly and Clay Aiken!

We're back from a break and history is made! Hall and Oates are in the audience! Freeze frame! Ah, that was J. Geils. Dang., Up now is Anthony Fedorov, giving possibly the most polite musical performance in history. The judges all liked it. Every one of them! Anthony then gives possibly the most polite reply in history to the judges' thoughts.

Song from the '80s, electric daisies from '70s. It's a beautiful moment. Hey, when did they add those electric light towers to the stage? I haven't seen them before. It's like being at the Promenade! If Vonzell gets too close to that thing with her metal top, we're going to see an electric explosion. By the way, listening to this song, I can't believe how young Vonzell must be. I swear this song is from 1989 at the latest.

Double shot of Hall and Oates! It's like I'm listening to Top 40 radio in 1987 all over again and it's another two for Tuesday! After proclaiming himself as Idol's true rocker, Scott performs his song exactly like Sisqo would. Why is your arm so angry, brother? Why is it snapping like that? And is he...is he...wearing a denim dashiki? Wow. I hope so. Randy and Paula loved it and Scott is riding so high right now. And then there was Simon. Simon thinks Scott wasn't so great, and Scott replies that at least he had the courage to get up on stage.. Now, if we've learned anything from four years of Idols, it's don't talk back! But we'll see what happens.

Look at how cute young Carrie was! Remember when Nikki McKibbin did this same song? Well, probably not. Your brain most likely scrubbed it out of your memory. But trust me, she did. Man, the makeover crew really pinned Carrie down before tonight's show. She looks like the girl who moves to LA, then spends a weekend back home for a friend's wedding and nobody can believe how good she looks. "Look at your hair! Oh my God, where did you get these clothes?!" And she's just like, "Oh, you know, I live in LA now." Randy thought it could've been a little better, Paula loved it and Simon compares Carrie to a kitten trying to be a tiger. Sort of like the time he compared Constantine to a Chihuahua guard dog or whatever it was. Simon sure likes those animals. And those metaphors..

Constantine is going to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody." I wonder if he's going to do the fast part or the slow part. I see a silhouette of a man. Oh, the slow part. But don't rule out the fast part just yet! Why is Constantine grimacing? Is he okay? That's not really a face for public display.. Here's the fast part! And Connie is rocking so hard his hair's in his face! Owwwww! Rock and roll! Randy liked the show, but thought the singing could've been better. Paula proclaims Constantine the winner of the whole thing, the second time she's said that a contestant would win tonight. And Simon pronounces it to be astonishing. But he said it with a sly little smirk, so maybe he meant astonishing in a bad way and just wanted to have a little secret for himself. Who can say, really? Well, Simon could, sure. But besides him, I mean.

Seacrest...still doing that thing he does.