Jaded's Recap: Week 18 - Tuesday

Tonight, our three remaining contestants (their names are Bo, Carrie and Vonzell in case you're coming in really, really, really late) will be performing nine songs each on a very special four-hour episode called American Idol: Sweeps Win. I, for one, am looking forward to hearing 27 songs about how great love is and how trying hard is its own reward.

Do you want to just get away? To New Jersey? According to the informative travel ad I just saw, New Jersey has a host of outdoor activities! That...you could find in any other state with a coastline. So, uh, do you want to get away or what? Just you and me. Maybe we can finally get close.

Wearing a shirt from Moulin Rouge, Ryan kicks off the show. He shaved yesterday, so I guess that's good enough for the week. Then he says something about the road to the finale stopping here or something. Maybe whoever loses this week can get away...to New Jersey! The garage door opens and here's our boy again. Does he do the cold intro, then sprint backstage while Elevator Girl is doing her thing? Man, I would really like to see that in person.

Hey! Special announcement! Clive Davis is on the panel tonight. This might be a surprise, except it's happened in the past two seasons as well. Still, Clive Davis! Backstage, Ryan explains this week's show. Personal choice, judges' choice, and super judge's choice. Then Ryan subtly lets us know that "Vonzie" has definitely replaced "Scotty the Body" as the nickname that irks us all. Sigh. Only one or two more weeks of it, I guess.

Ah, Ryan's shirt proclaims that he loves celebrity gossip. Interesting. I can think of at least three to four tidbits and a few blind items that he might not love so much. Mr. Clive Davis, bringing some much needed sartorial style to the judges' panel, informs the public that he's picked a Dionne Warwick song for Vonzell. I wonder if Vonzell called Dionne's psychic hotline this week to ask how the performance will go. The stars certainly love that sash tied around her waist. How could they not?! Is that a celebrity in the audience. Brooke...Burns? Burke? Burke! If you ever need a fun game to play at parties, try my game Brooke or Brooke. What you do is, pick an item like, "Played Katherine in Knuckle Sandwich", then have people guess whether the item is about Brooke Burns or Brooke Burke. It's harder than you think!

Anyway, the judges were okay with the performance. The audience, however, was not okay with the judges' comments. I'm really going to enjoy hearing the audience boo six times tonight at the slightest negative comment. It's like the blogosphere, live! Ahhh! Ahhh! Booo! You don't agree with our blind, unwavering, unquestioning loyalty! Ahhhh! We have to shout you down!

Bo Bice is like Elton John in many ways. So the Clive Davis choice for him will be perfect. Sunglasses indoors! Hollywood Bo Bice! Hey, this is pretty dang good. I...don't really have anything to add. I even like Bo Bice's sneer as he sings. The judges, they loved it. And, like me, they agree that not much can be said about it.

Next up is Carrie, singing a Roy Orbison tune. Clive Davis. Roy Orbison. Carrie Underwood. Together at last! And...um...I don't have anything to say about this one, either. You know, down at the end, everybody's singing pretty well, they're all dressing pretty smartly, what do you want from me? Clive Davis wanted a little falsetto at the end there, and really, who didn't? The permanent judges liked it, although Simon scored Round 1 to Bo Bice, 10-9. Jim Lampley, do you agree? Hey, here's a question for you. Who has nicer teeth? Carrie or Ryan? We might have to call in dental experts on this one. It's too close to call! Maybe we'll have a corn on the cob eating contest to determine our winner.

Hey Ryan, is that a CD in your hand? Why yes, it is. I wrote the liner notes for that CD. They're eight pages long and worth the price of the disc. Anyway, here's Vonzell's second performance. That's an excessively cheery blouse?/top?/sweater? she's wearing there. Chain, chain, chain! The judges loved it. And I've basically been reduced to the role of court stenographer, with nothing of my own to add. I'm simply taking the minutes of the show. Okay, Vonzie!

Back from a break and we have...a completely a capella performance. Um...wow. So cocky. I love it. Interestingly, the band apparently controls the backdrop and the lighting as well, because everything is shut down. It's like we all accidentally walked in on Bo Bice rehearsing at 4am Monday. You know, if Bo Bice wasn't from the South, if he was from, say, Boston, people would think he's the most arrogant guy in the world. But he sure knows how to play that humble Southern boy card. Ha ha! I love it! How long until he starts his own religion? Boism? Well, that'll have to wait, as Clive Davis is apparently ready to get him into the studio next Thursday.

Air Supply? Man, I can picture an 8-year old Carrie singing this song in her bedroom 100 times. Then, when they played it during a couple skate at the roller rink, she totally freaked and had her first kiss ever over by the lockers. Or, you know, something like that. Oh, you need the band, Carrie? Pfft. Weak. At least we got some of Carrie's now-standard hip shake. Just move them back and forth, side to side a little bit with your arms held out for balance. It's called the Tulsa Shimmy! I wonder if any actual members of Sir Supply are in the backing band tonight. George Huff! George Huff, did you like Carrie's performance as much as the judges did? We'll never know, as they didn't bother to ask him.

Vonzell goes home, where she's greeted by Mayor Jim Humphrey. And apparently, the distinguished gentleman from Florida hasn't watched a second of American Idol, as he told Vonzell what song Simon COE-well had picked out for him. Um, even if he's never seen the show, which I actually hope is true of an elected public official, shouldn't you be able to read Cowell on the first try? Anyway, on the TV, Vonzell sings "On The Radio" and dances like Elaine Benes. Oh whoa whoa whoa. And the judges loved it. Behold, the power of sequins in show business!

Back in Alabama, Bo finds out what song Paula has picked out for him. Now Bo Bice is going to rock! You know, at this point, I'm surprised he's not riding a motorcycle out of stage, then trashing the drum kit. What's he waiting for? After the performance, Clive Davis all but crowns Bo Bice the winner. But who knows? It's not like Clive Davis has a long track record of picking talent or anything. Randy and Paula loved it, and the band tries to play Simon offstage, like his Oscar acceptance speech has dragged on too long.

Seeing Carrie back home in Oklahoma, we get a tremendous surprise. They have fax machines in Oklahoma! Wow! I never would've guessed. Look! There's the Tulsa Shimmy again! I love it! That, my friends, was Carrie getting loose. That's probably as wild as you'll ever see it. So I hope you enjoy it. And, for the record, the judges loved it. Is that figure skating legend Scott Hamilton in the audience?! Man, this show is big. I should stop selling it short.

All right, that's that. I've done all I can do here. If only I had a handy catchphrase to end the recap. Ah...but wait until next week!