Glittery, sneaky Las Vegas. You think you're having a good time, the next thing you know it's 11am and you can't account for $120 you spent last night. And it could be anywhere. I think it's time somebody wrote a song about this city.

I'm Ryan Seacrest, etc, etc. And just to prove we're in Vegas, a guy in a jester's costume is smack dab in the middle of the crowd shot. If you find that guy and tell him you want to clown around in Vegas, he'll give you a coupon good for $5 off a Sunday brunch buffet.

Dylon. Dylon is not Jamaican, I can tell you that much. Rude boy! One love! And a bunch of other reggae phrases. What a start to the Vegas auditions. This wasn't a waste of time at all. Simon asks Dylon to take his wig off and ouch. Dylon might be the only guy in the world who looks better wearing a horribly fake wig. Wowch. Outside, Dylon cries. Dylon declares this to be a learning experience. Yes, we all learned a lot. Like, don't try to pretend you're Jamaican.

Also, don't dress up like a joker for your audition. And don't be related to Bobbie Mae, the psychic. Marvel at Bobbie, the Psychic Who Can't See The Future! And Ricky, the Three-Toed Sloth Boy! Bobbie is now "managing" her sister, Erica, and has brought her to the auditions. Do delusions run in the family? Well, Bobbie's sister looked like she was absolutely dragged here, so maybe not. Man, I would've loved to hear their conversation before getting in the car. "Bobbie, I'm not a singer! I never will be!" "How can you say that, Erica? You know I'm psychic! I see great success in your future." "You're not psychic, Bobbie!" "How can you say that, Erica? Moooooooooooom!"

So what about Mecca, student and belly dancer? There's a lot going on with Mecca. Hats, headscarves, dyed hair, fishnets. It's like the legs, torso and head all operate independently.

King Scene. He's worn this shirt before! If I had millions of dollars and my own line of t-shirts, I might switch it up once in a while. But that's me. I have pride. And anyway, that shirt should really read King Shirtsleeves. Or King Mailed In That Interaction With Mecca. How about some pep, boy?! This is Vegas! Home of the $100 chip!

After a break, Seacrest marvels at Lake Las Vegas. Condos! High-end shops! Water! Is there anything this guy doesn't like? If Seacrest ever started a sentence with, "You know what I'm really sick of?", I would listen harder than I've ever listened before.

Look at Ryan Hart! You want him to conform to society? No chance, man! Ryan goes his own way! He'll never conform to what you suburban minivan types want, and you'll never be able to handle him. He's screaming in his audition! He's totally turning Idol on its head! The show is probably so embarrassed by Ryan pointing out the inanity of it all that we should pull it off the air. Oh Ryan, you've shown us all how foolish we are! I don't know about you, but I can't wait to read Ryan's blog to see what he thought about how silly the audition process is. Fools! Waiting in line for approval! Ryan makes his own approval!

Here's Ryan wearing his third shirt of the episode, and we're not even halfway done. Hey! Jason's not really Italian! It's almost like...Vegas is one big charade designed to separate people from their money. I just finally figured it out. Jason's Italian accent is about as right on as Pasquale from Chuck E. Cheese's. For the record, if your wedding ends with a gondola ride with Jason, there is a 100% chance somebody got you a set of airbrushed dinner plates as a gift.

If there's somebody I wouldn't want to make angry, it's a guy sporting a cardigan, hair that he cut himself and randomly-spaced teeth. But, you know, Simon is tough; he isn't afraid to take on J.C., the bus driver. Hail to the bus driver, the bus driver man! Simon doesn't let J.C. get a note out and Seacrest takes his life into his own hands by intercepting J.C.'s exit stomp. I have to admit that I'm surprised J.C. didn't toss Seacrest through the wall head first, leaving his legs sticking out, cartoon-style.

Anthony and his girlfriend have 75 animals! I'm willing to bet their house smells...musky. Can you imagine every animal squawking and barking and meowing and whatevering as Anthony sings in the shower? Wow. His girlfriend would be a fascinating interview. She has so much pity for the defenseless creatures of the world. Outside with Ryan, Anthony vehemently disagrees with the judges. Let's see...they do this for a living, Anthony has 75 animals in his house. You tell me who has the better judgment.

Now we have Marnelli and Maureen. More twins! Always with the twins. Why do they have to share the mp3 player? Why can't one listen to it while the other senses the music telepathically? Isn't that what twins do? Poppa to the girls plays the skins and has started a family band. H hii Puffy Ami Yumi show! Bye bye cutty cutty Idol cut! Although there's a pretty good chance this is the first ever Cranberries song used for an Idol audition. I feel like it's 1994 again! Outside, the girls cry in unison, Marnelli crying from only her left eye, and Maureen weeping from only the right. The girls say they're going to go home and tell Dad they tried their best.

My name's David, I'm from here in Las Vegas, I can dance a little and I look slightly off-kilter. David should learn how to make a perfect Sazerac and then find out which casino needs bar staff. Because singing is not his thing. Maybe he can learn keyboards. All these Vegas lounge bands have keyboards, and playing the electric bones doesn't require using your voice during the show.

Seacrest is right, Vegas is one big whiff so far. Good thing they have all that alcohol and gambling available to unwind after being musically tortured all day.

A guy like you...should wear a warning. A guy like you...should change the lyric to "girl" when covering a female's song. A guy like you...should not sign his performance like he's on an early Sunday morning TV mass.

I like big butts and here is mine! You other suckers can't deny! That this thing is huge. All right, we're all thinking the same thing. Let's just all plug in our own joke and move on. But still, you have to admire a girl who likes "Baby Got Back" so much that she grew her body to reflect her love of the song.

Welcome back to Las Vegas, where Seacrest is on his second hairstyle of the show. Meet Balki Bartokomous. No, wait, this is Haggai Yedidya. He loves America. I mean, really, really loves America. If you don't believe me, look at his shirt, so patriotically adorned with American flags and motorcycles, symbolizing the time Abraham Lincoln rode a motorcycle from Washington to Atlanta to reunite the country after the Civil War. His jeans are two different colors, perhaps to symbolize the split of the Czech Republic and Slovakia. So Haggai won't be a singer. But perhaps that shirt can get him work as a correspondent for FOX News. By the way, Haggai knows that a piano has eight keys, information that will certainly come in handy some day.

Princess describes herself as black and sassy. We could've figured half of that out on our own. And she forgot to add that she can't sing. But that won't stop her from trying. Paula tries to save the Princess, but simply fails. Back to being black and sassy for Princess. Of course, Martin Lawrence as Big Momma is also black and sassy, so maybe Princess needs a new niche.

Man, Vegas is simply not happening this year. Maybe it's just too hot there. Maybe the sun has simply cooked everybody's brain. Or maybe all these true Vegas performers don't know what to do without a pool, guide wires and people in blue paint.

Bad hair. Just bad hair everywhere. Is it even possible to comment on this? I think the pictures pretty much explain it all. Taylor Hicks is from somewhere in the South and looks 25 years older than he is. He also looks like a high school basketball coach. But he sings like he's straight from the soul '60s. But...um...he doesn't look much like Sam Cooke, to say the least.

So that's Vegas.