Sixty minutes, four cuts, a second performance of four songs you didn't care for enough on Tuesday or Wednesday to vote for. And at least three groan-inducing jibes from Seacrest to Simon. Oh, and one performance from Carrie Underwood. If my smiling visage is not on the digital background during her song, I'll be shocked. And Carrie will be disappointed. On to the show!

By the way, did we mention that tonight's show is live? I'm actually typing these words as you sit there and try to find that piece of popcorn you just dropped. Technology is amazing!

You know, maybe I should switch things up tonight and write this in the style of 24 recaps.

8:01pm Ryan comes out to start the show. He's dressed in black to mourn the passing of four more very special contestants. He has no idea where the sentox gas is. But he does know that Carrie Underwood is here tonight.

8:02pm Ryan introduces the judges.

Ah, forget this.

Now all twenty kids are going to sing Love The One You're With. And you'd better love them quickly, because you won't be with four of them much longer. Man. This has a really treacly Up With People feel to it. Or, as The Simpsons terrifically put it, Hooray For Everything. This song is making me feel like the universe is a better place. Doo doo doo, doo doo doo! I wonder what Kellie Pickler ate today that she never tried before. Maybe crunchy peanut butter. Doo doo doo!

After a break, Ryan again reminds us that we have to say goodbye to four people tonight. Much like he said goodbye to the top three buttons of his shirt earlier in the day. Then it's time to watch what we already watched earlier this week.

Then it's time to watch what we already watched last year, Carrie Underwood.

After the break, Seacrest is about to chop somebody. But not before giving them all individual comments. Lisa, you're not in the bottom three. Ayla, you...are...not in the bottom three. Kathy McP. She's not in the bottom three. I should think of a more clever way to put this. But it's going too fast! Mandisa, you are not dressed for the opera tonight. You're not in the bottom 3 either. Kinnik, you are in the bottom III. Brenna, you are tremendously impressed with yourself. And you are also in the bottom 4-1 tonight. Kellie, 1.67 + 1.34 = 3. But you don't need to worry about that, because you're in the top seven. Paris, you're not in the bottom three. Back to basics on that one.

Heather and Melissa. Heather, you are in the bottom three. Bottom four, now actually. That top gets its own billing. Randy, are you surprised by this group? Eh, not really. And then Brenna is cut. I wonder if she'll have anything ridiculous to say about this. indeed she does. And it is even more ridiculous than I could have ever guessed. She asks Clive Davis to call her so they can start making some money. Um, Brenna, I hate to transport you to the real world, but Mr. Davis actually prefers working with the top two contestants. Not the 20th. Boy, she really likes that money. Is really desperate to make some money Hollywood. That, my friends, is a recipe for doing something regrettable that is forever captured on tape.

After Brenna finally stops begging for money, the network makes some money and then it's time to cut our next gal. Ryan asks the judges why these two in particular are up here and the judges have some fun. Ryan. Does. Not. Appreciate. This. These kids' lives are on the line here! Well, not their actual lives. Just their TV lives. Which aren't all that important to begin with. But Ryan still scolded the judges like an angry mother. Let's put all that nastiness behind us and cut Heather. Aww. She barely got a chance to explore her crush on me. Heather then has to perform the now-ironic Hero before she's allowed to leave. At the end of the song, she literally walks off into the sunset. Figuratively.

Now let's cut some dudes! Bucky, you rolled some thunder right up in our grills. And so you're safe. Brett, you're safe. Elliott, you're at a loss for words. And safe. Jose, you're eyebrows are taking center stage tonight. Speaking of center stage, why not go stand there right now? Because you're all sorts of bottom three. Taylor, you're safe. Whoo! David, you look terrified right now. Let's see how frightened you look standing next to Jose. Chris, you're safe. So turn off the inferno for the week. Gedeon, look at those choppers. Look at them! Kevin. Will. One of you is about to have to comfort a trembling David. Is Kevin already going bald at 17? His hairline is way back there. Just for that, he can join another bald guy, Jose, in the bottom three.

And David is cut. Ryan asks David what he's going remember most about Idol and I'm guessing the answer is nothing, because the kid is completely blank right now. Then David has to sing. He's good at controlling his nervousness, so this should be pretty solid. The remaining 16 contestants rush up to the stage, just in case David collapses into a heap at the end of his performance. Somebody please make sure this kid never hears bad news again for the rest of his life.

So will Kevin or Jose round out the week? Ryan asks Jose what the other contestants said to him and Jose says he doesn't know. That is nervousness, definied. They all mean so much to him. Which is why every single finalist cut is given a cushy job at either E! or Ryan's morning radio show.

By the way, if you're curious, I'm currently 8-for-8 on predicting who will be eliminated each week. Watching every single second of Idol ever and writing about 500 pages of recaps is finally paying off!