I'm really excited for tonight. Mostly because after somebody is eliminated, they'll be putting up a new photo on the website and I won't have to look at Taylor's bizarre, open-mouthed smile any longer. It looks like if I could drop a putt in there, I'd win a free round of mini golf.

Bubbety bubbety bah, and the show is underway. Boy, Seacrest seems awfully pleased with himself as he strolls out to center stage. Look at that! It's Cincinnati's very own Tara Patrick-Navarro! All five Idol contestants are wearing jeans tonight. That...I...I don't think that means anything. I'm just pointing it out.

Taylor? Do you like your fellow competitors? Yes, he does. Katharine, is it challenging to perform on TV? Yes, it is. I'm really learning a lot from this interaction between our host and the contestants! Elliott, do you sweat easily? Yes, he does. Now I'm learning too much.

A group performance! I knew we were going to have one of these tonight to fill out time. I can only imagine how uplifted I'm about to be. I'm going to feel so energetic and so inspired by the end of this song. Oh my God. I truly feel like I can do anything. The only thing that can get in the way of me achieving my dreams is me. Nothing else! Which is...wait. Actually, that's not inspiring at all. It means that if I don't achieve my dreams, then it can only be my fault. Nobody else's. Not some rival, not some executive. Just me. I'm thinking about this too much! Now I don't know if my dreams will come true or not. I just know that if they don't, I'm to blame and that has me terrified!

After the Ford video, Seacrest comments to Taylor, "I can never wear shoulder pads again after watching that, Taylor." I...I...what? Huh? What now? Does he...does...? Does he wear shoulder pads often? Like football shoulder pads? Do...do he and the amazingly dynamic Ty Treadway belong to a rec tackle football league that plays Sunday mornings in El Segundo? Does...does he wear them to Republic in case he needs to tackle the paparazzi? Is...is this something he likes to do for his personal life? I...I...he...does he...I...I mean...does he have a pair of spiked shoulder pads he wore in the '80s because he loved the rugged tag team The Road Warriors? Does he...never wear shoulder pads again? Holy man, am I confused.

Hopefully the results portion here can take my mind off of that confusion. And I'm just going to blow right past Tommy Mottola at Graceland. I've dealt with enough tonight already. Taylor, the judges pretty much liked you and you are safe. Congrats, Tay. Tay! This is turning into farce! Chris, you kinda tripped last night, but you're still safe. Paris, not so great last night. Or tonight, since you're in the bottom two. Somebody in the audience screams, "We love you, Paris!" Well it's a little too late for that now. Then Ryan asks Paris to perform the song that got her into so much trouble last night.

Hello, Elliott. Hello, Kathy. How's that hook feel? Pinch a little? It can't feel too great, because Katharine looks absolutely despondent right now. She looks like she's 8, and her mom just came into the living room and found a big red blotch on the carpet. And there's Katharine, hiding in the corner, looking at the floor, holding a bucket of red paint and mumbling, "I'm sorry, Mommy." But enough about her, because Elliott is in the bottom two.

Not for long though, because he's safe. Obviously that first-grade silhouette portrait t-shirt gave him an unbeatable advantage over Paris. So there she goes. But try to remember her at least a little bit in case she's famous in seven years. And then you can say, "Oh, that girl? Yeah, I remember her.