So it's Elvis night. Let's see...which worn-out Elvis cliché should I play off of to start the recap? Peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Shooting a TV with a revolver? Sequined jumpsuits? The Vegas comeback? Elvis impersonators? Let's not forget skinny Elvis and chubby Elvis. Okay, that's the one for me. Here we go.

The Idols are taking on Elvis songs tonight. I tell you what, I'll definitely vote for whoever takes the Elvis tribute all the way and puts on eighty pounds between their first and second songs tonight. There. That wasn't so bad. A slightly original twist on a totally trite concept. I do what I barely can.

Anyway, here's the good. Elvis songs are very, very good and fun. And we might get to see some pictures of Sun Studios. Here's the bad. Taylor is pretty much guaranteed to dance twice tonight. I think I'll wait until after Idol to eat dinner. I don't want Taylor's freaknastiness to upset my stummy.

I'm fairly certain Ryan wore this suit once before. I guess when somebody was doing the clothing budget this year, they miscalculated the number of weeks in the season. Hopefully Ryan won't trot out any old winter colors, as that will be most embarrassing for all involved.

Oh man. People who go to Graceland running across the Idols? What a scene that must have been. Wait. That's Priscilla and not Lisa Marie? Wow. Let's just say...wow. And thank you Tommy Mottola for Jennifer Lopez. Priscilla tells the kids that Idol would probably be one of Elvis' favorite shows. But keep in mind he watched three or four televisions at once. So he had a lot of favorite shows.

Oh dear. Here we go. Starting off early. Taylor is going to perform "Jailhouse Rock". What is he looking at? He's not making eye contact with anybody or anything. Even when staring at the guitarist, he's not really looking at anything. Maybe the frets. And people who won't look you in the eye are shifty. Believe me, because I never look people in the eye. Uh oh! There goes the mic stand. Well, everybody sure seems to like it. Even Seven of Nine. Randy thinks it was a good job and Paula thought it was phenomenal. But Simon calls it a horrible Elvis impersonation with hideous dancing. And that leads to some severe booing. You know what? I'm just glad I'm not the only candle in a dark, dark night. Thank you, Simon, for the company. By the way, Soul Patrol. Soul Patrol. Oh, and before I forget, Soul Patrol.

Chris also rocks the OC? And Chino, as we learned last week? He's a real Ryan Atwood! Is he wearing a parka? If not, one day he'll be wearing a parka lined with $100 bills, since Tommy Mottola apparently wants to start recording with him. Hey, nice sunglasses. If you're an ingénue. Which Chris isn't. Maybe they're really Lennon sized and the TV cameras just throw us off. Let's choose to believe that. Hmm. This seems okay. But only okay. I dunno. I never know. Judges? Randy thought it was kinda nice. Paula loved it. Simon liked it. So it's just me and Randy teaming up this time. Another 2-2 tie! Completely ignoring the fact that my vote doesn't count for anything. Hybrids, eh? I'm surprised Ryan would know something like that.

What happened to Elliott's hair? He looks like a blow dried Wall Streeter. And why is he wearing Ryan's suit? What's Ryan wearing right now? Is he just stripped down to his hybrids? Okay, now this seems like it's going pretty well. And whether it is or not, there's a pretty good chance I'll end up agreeing with Paula here, deftly keeping my streak alive. Randy tells Elliott he laid it out, hot-style. Believe that! Paula thinks it's the best Elliott was all year. Which we already overheard her say as soon as the song ended. And Simon says it was the best of the young night. Final score? 4-0! I'm on a real roll!

So now it's Katharine's turn. And I promise you, I'll be able to find at least one thing to like about this performance. I grade Katharine on a severe curve. Ah, an Elvis medley. A real rhythm and blues revue. You know, I bet Taylor really likes Katharine. Mostly because her presence means he's not the worst dancer on the show. Katharine makes Madonna look rhythmic. Is Katharine running a little short on air here? We kinda lost some of the words in the middle there. Will she take the oxygen mask after this song like an offensive lineman after a long drive? I gotta say, as much as I like Katharine in general, that was...not good. Really not good. Randy chuckled at Kathy dropping the words, Paula enjoyed her attempt at covering it up and Simon thought it was horribly manic and desperate. That's actually more positive than what I thought.

Here we go again. It's going to be tough for Taylor to outdo Cartman's cover of "In The Ghetto". Tommy Mottola gives Taylor strong, strong advice to not dance during this song. See, that's why Tommy is billionaire-ish. What is Taylor looking at? Is somebody sneaking up behind us to bash our heads in? Is that why Taylor has such an upset look at his face right now? Well, he won't look upset too much longer, since Randy thought it was absolutely perfect. Paula liked seeing another side of Taylor. Simon appreciates a real effort from Taylor. Oh! Soul Patrol. Can't forget about that now, can we?

For his second song, Chris is going to take on a number once immortalized by female favorite Jon Peter Lewis. Some would say JPL outdid Elvis himself that night. Others, however, would not. But this is about Chris, who is concentrating very intently on the lyrics here. You could steal his shoes right now and he probably wouldn't even notice, that's how focused he is. Ooh! And now he's really angry. Chris will elbow you in the throat! Don't even try him unless you want a crushed windpipe for breakfast. Randy and Paula loved it, although Simon thought Chris was better on the first go.

Elliott. Whatever you just did there before the break, don't ever do it again. Ah, there's Elliott's bad hair again. Let's hope that was just a tribute to Tennessee and that he left it there. Is that an acid washed blazer he's wearing there? Whatever it is, Elliott has turned in two good performances tonight. Which means he gets the least column space this week. There's not much I can say when somebody is all good and stuff. Randy thinks it was Elliott's best performance ever. Second time he's heard that tonight. He won't fall asleep until about 3am! Paula and Simon both thought he was fantastic.

Katharine is dedicating her second performance of the evening to me. You'll just have to trust me on this, because when she called me this morning to let me know, I made her promise not to announce it. This isn't about me. It's about her. And her intense love of me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm not going to type anything here so Kathy and I can just enjoy our special moment. Randy thought it was better, but still not great. Ugh. Paula kinda liked it, but Simon found it to be a little treacly. Way too creamy.

Geez. Getting a little bare on that stage, eh?