We've had a guy/girl final, a guy/guy final, a girl/girl final and then another guy/girl final. So whatever happens tonight, it's happened in the past, so don't get too bent out of shape about it. I know I won't.

Of course, watching the Oilers game would also perk me up, but that's neither here nor there. Man, is Elliott nervous right now! There it is. Wednesday night, Seacrest comes out from stage left. So much symbolism! I only wish I had noticed that earlier so I could've possibly cracked The Da Seacresti Code. What happened to Kellie Pickler's head? Did she have three kids between now and leaving Idol? Is that why she has a soccer mom haircut?

I laugh every time Randy boos Simon during the introductions. It just gets me every time. I'm going to miss it over the summer. So...uh...I guess we have about 54 minutes left. Okay. Well...uh...I like your new curtains. When did you get them? Did you hang them yourself? Uh huh, uh huh. So...when did you say dinner would be ready again?

Did Katharine take a jet home? It's like a 30-minute drive. Now, I'm aware that's only a 4-minute flight, but you have to count time at baggage claim. Oh. Okay. She's just car-ing it. Taylor eats ribs and pancakes for breakfast? Hmm. The Rick and Bubba Show? Wow. I'm sure they really delve deep into geopolitics during that morning drive segment. While in Birmingham, Taylor got a key to the city. Now, did they have to change the locks? Or will the key they gave Ruben a few years ago still work? Man, Hoover sure has a big mall. I can only imagine how many sullen teens are cruising that place at 8:30 on a Friday night. Oh my word. That sure is a Southern political wife. You couldn't draw one up any better than that. I bet she makes the best lemonade and pecan pie.

This song really makes me think about my DSL service and how it's changed my life. I can look at pictures of my grandkids whenever I want! I can get recipes on demand! Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Taylor got that insipidly inspiring chain email a couple of years ago - thanks to DSL! - and really took it to heart. But, you know, it's symbolic, Taylor. You shouldn't literally dance like nobody's watching. Because we're all watching and you're killing us. And Katharine, I want you to read that last part as well. Twice.

Now this is interesting. In Alabama, 12,000 natives turned out to see Taylor's triumphant return home. I have to imagine that something like that in Alabama is a huge deal. To strike an elitist chord, what else are they going to do? Cut the grass? But...will anybody turn out for Kathy in Hollywood? I mean, we're not supposed to stare when some starlet is nibbling a muffin in our neighborhood cafe. There's no way 12,000 Angelenos are going to some mall to look at Kathy. I mean, Jim Carrey lives here! We can see celebs any time! And, ha ha, sure enough, the best Kathy gets is a school pep rally. Aw, poor big city girl.

Todd Bridges! That deserves its own paragraph.

So Elliott is back in Richmond. Did you know that Virginia has produced more U.S. Presidents than any other state? Malls seem to be a real focal point of life in the heartland. I guess that's good, since our entire economy these days is based on rampant, non-thought out consumerism. But whatever. I don't want to get all Berkeley freshman on you here. Well, that woman just blew her shot at a photo. You take the picture, THEN you shake wildly! Do it the other way around and you have no photo. Only memories. By the way, see Pooch there? He'll put you into a full nelson if you even look at Elliott's convertible too long. So it's official. Elliott throws better than Ryan does. Back in the studio, everybody is crying. Not to go all Berkeley freshman again, but somebody could write a really good thesis on wealth, priority, longing, approval and fame in this country. Not me, though. I have better things to do. Like watch Sunset Boulevard again.

All this reverence for Clive Davis every time he's on the show. Hey, remember when we started an hour ago? A lot has happened since then. But none of it matters as much as these next few minutes. 33.68, 33.26 and 33.06 equal 100.00. Of course, Elliott probably couldn't care less, as he's now going home. He won't care that he was only .20% out of second, or .62% out of first. Or that with over 50 million votes received, he was only about 110,000 votes shy of second place. Or that if every single person that voted for him last night mailed him a check for $10, he'd have $165.3 million to his name. And he definitely won't care that it's possible to have so much fun with numbers. Because he's done. Alas, poor Elliott, we hardly knew...actually, we knew you pretty well. But still. Alas.