I want to maybe some day become an author and write non-fiction books & this is just some things that I've been going through lately. But let me know if you think I'd make a good author or even if you're going through some tough times! I'm great at giving advice & listening. If it's too personal or whatever then please just don't post comments!  Thanks!

 Life right now is so complicated. Nobody understands. People are pushing me everywhere. I feel like I'm stuck with no where to go. I sometimes feel like letting go, not completely, but just a little bit, and see what it feels like to be alone and unloved. But if I did do that, I would not be able to let anybody else in my life. I'd be too afraid... too afraid of getting hurt. AFRAID. Yeah, that's the word. That and NERVOUS. Those are the 2 words I live with every day. They're stuck with me. They're the reason why I'm like this. Just the thought of that freaks me out. Just the thought of that makes me grab the rope even tighter.

I don't want to lose him but I don't want to feel the way I feel. It's not his fault though. He didn't do anything, but I'm never going to heal from those words I heard. I knew she was drunk but there was no need for it. I thought you loved me like I was your daughter. Since that day I don't even want to see you. I don't want to be beside you. I want nothing to do with you. It kills me. It's tearing me to pieces. You meant a lot to me. I don't know what to do. I don't hate you, but I despise you. I now believe it when they say words can hurt worse than physical pain. It definitely does sometimes. I can't forgive you. I never will. It will never leave my mind. Nope, not this time.

I don't want to be this way. God help me find a way. I don't know what to do. But I just know God, I need him.

Anyways, I'm so obsessed with working out. I'm so happy Robert is pretty much letting me have his Body Bow. He's a great guy. But it's like all I do is sleep & work out. I have no life. Damn, I need a job. I'm about to go crazy.

Robert means the world to me. Fuck you if you don't understand why I'm the way I am. I don't give a damn. Get confused, try pressuring me. Nothing is going to change. He means the world to me. I'd do anything for him. You don't understand, you never will, so don't even try. Maybe some day when you're older and find the one you love and you end up cheating on him due to temptation, maybe then you'll understand why I do this.

Trust me, I learned the hard way. I'm way different than you are. You need to just leave me alone and let me live my life. I don't want to be this way, but I am and there's nothing I can do and if you even try to do something about it, it will only make things worse...

Because of you, I am afraid. Because of you, I am this way. Because of you, I'll never be the same.